Tecmo Bowl/Transcript
[Scene opens in ''Tecmo Bowl. Sonic, Tails, Dr. Eggman, Earthworm Jim, and Kirby are all standing around.] '''Tails': Looks guys, uh, we feel pretty lousy about screwing you over that Casino Zone deal, so we thought we'd make it up to you by taking you out to a football game. Kirby: Hey, now I don't have to murder you! Earthworm Jim: Oh wow, thanks! Means a lot. Sonic: Quick heads up though. The game's fixed and a put a huge bet on us to lose, so just be your normal, humiliating selves and we'll be richer than Jesus... Franco the Spanish film director. Earthworm Jim: What!? [Camera zooms out to reveal the group is standing on the right end zone. A football flies by and lands in Earthworm Jim's hands, who is tackled by two football players. Scene transitions into the field, where Sonic, Tails, Dr. Eggman, and Kirby are standing and Earthworm Jim walks on-screen drinking from a bottle.] Earthworm Jim: Heh, why do I hang out with you assholes? Sonic: Don't drink that. It's a roofie cocktail I made for the cheerleaders. [Earthworm Jim faints.] Tails: Alright, we only have to lose by a couple points, so let's make it look good so no one gets suspicious, OK? [A menu showcasing the available maneuvers - Pass 1, Pass 2, Run 1, and Run 2 - appears over the group.] Sonic: Ooh, let's pick Pass 1. I hear that play's unstoppable! Tails: No, we want something very stoppable. Let's do, uh, Run 1. OK? Let's go. [Sonic, Tails, Dr. Eggman, and Kirby get into position as the two teams arrive at the line of scrimmage.] Sonic: Ready, down, HUT HUT! [A football player passes the football to Sonic as he runs to the left. Tails and Dr. Eggman run forward, though Dr. Eggman runs out of breath. Kirby tries to inhale one of the opposing players. Sonic uses his speed to breeze through the opposing team and make it to the end zone, scoring a touchdown. Transitions to Tails and Dr. Eggman.] Announcer: TOUCHDOWN! Dr. Eggman: Now I'm not much of a tennis guy, but he wasn't supposed to goal that slam dunk point, wasn't he? Tails: No...no he wasn't. [A montage plays of Sonic running past players and scoring points for his team. In some instances, he uses his Spin Dash to run over opposing players, killing them. After the montage, the scene transitions to Dr. Eggman and Kirby running to Tails as Earthworm Jim wakes up.] Dr. Eggman: [out of breath] Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking die! Earthworm Jim: [dizzy] Where am I? [Sonic runs on-screen.] Sonic: Whew, did you see all the fucking touchdowns I scored!? Yeah, I was all like "TOUCHDOWN!" and they were like- [Tails grabs Sonic.] Tails: Stop scoring touchdowns you fucking idiot! Sonic: Would you tell Picasso to stop painting? Or Leonardo to stop... Dicaprioing? No way man! Just give me the damn ball and show me the money! [Sonic walks off.] Sonic: Just do it eye of the tiger! Plays at the table! Starting defense! I'll have what she's having! Tails: Alright guys, clearly Sonic is in full-on dick mode right now, so it's up to us to lose this game. [Camera zooms in on Tails.] Tails: I need you to dig down deep and suck like you never sucked before. I want you to miss those tackles, drop those balls, and let that other team jam their cleats straight up our cheating loser assholes! [Camera zooms out to show Dr. Eggman, Earthworm Jim, and Kirby.] Tails: Now who's with me?! Earthworm Jim: There's like two seconds left on the clock. Tails: Fuck! Plan B. [Transitions to the line of scrimmage, where the two teams are setting up for the next play.] Sonic: Ready, down, HUT- [Thunderhead appears in a tank and drives it over the field, killing several football players and injuring Sonic. Thunderhead appears out of the tank.] Thunderhead: Ha ha! Touchdown! [Transitions to Sonic's office, with the camera zoomed in on a newspaper entry with the headline being "Team Disqualified for Tank Attack: Sonic's Record Day Pissed On". Camera zooms out to show Tails, Dr. Eggman, Earthworm Jim, Kirby, and Thunderhead celebrating next to their huge amount of money. Dr. Eggman dumps a tub of Gatorade on Tails. Camera pans to show Sonic bandaged in a wheelchair.] Sonic: Y'know, if it wasn't for all of my awesome touchdowns, you guys wouldn't have even gotten away with that plan. So, uh, where's my Gatorade dunk? Earthworm Jim: I've got your dunk right here! [Earthworm Jim steps in front of Sonic and unzips his pants.] Sonic: OH GOD NO- [Ending sequence.]